Change

Accept what you can't change... Change what you can't accept

Every person has something about themselves that they would love to change. For instance I would love to be shorter and skinnier but reality is I can't magically shrink and lose 30 lbs. So I must accept that but to be honest it's near impossible for me to accept that. I've been told numerous times that I'm just "to big" (those were the nice words) to be a ballerina. For a long time I was so determined to prove these haters wrong. I was going to prove that based off pure talent and passion I would make it as a ballerina. Recently though I've been told this so many times it's hard to stay positive. Of course I want to prove this person wrong who keeps telling me these things but at some point a person can only take so much. It's hard to get these negative thoughts out of my head and it's really been eating away at me. 

A few years ago I had many problems with food and self image. I would restrict my intake and workout a ton. I had rules on what I could eat and when I could eat. I knew these habits were terrible for me but once I started I couldn't stop. I was spiraling downward really quickly. I had told a friend about what was going on and connected me with a mutual friend who had been going through the same thing. Eventually I started to eat normal again and excercise less. I was content again, not necessarily happy but content. 

About a month later I started to get really sad, and I mean like lock myself in my room and cry for hours sad. There was not specific reason for being sad, it was just uncontrollable. I started to binge to comfort these feelings. Temporarily the food would mask the sadness but after the guilt was so unbearable that I would restrict the next day. It was an ongoing battle between me and food. At this point I had put on a few pounds from all the binge eating. Unhappy, sad, and bigger than I wanted to be.

So here I am today, wanting a change. Wanting to hadle my emotions and eating in a mature manner and get my life on a path of happiness. I am going to change what I can not accept about myself, But in a positive way by fueling my body with healthy, organic foods and treating myself when I'm craving it.  After much experimentation with food I found that I do best without dairy, gluten, and limited meat (only fish and a little chicken). Many of you probably think I have a mental problem if I'm cutting out this many food groups from my diet but this time I'm cutting out these food groups cause it makes me feel better, not because my ED told me I could not have these food groups. I am slowly coming to peace with myself. I know the journey will be long but it will be worth it. Being healthy and happy is something everyone craves as a human being.